Building Relationships: The Importance of Investing and Building Together
As a young man, the narrator was taught by his mother to treat every woman like a princess. He was raised to be a gentleman - buying flowers, paying for meals, and always making sure the woman didn't carry her bag. However, he soon realized that this approach didn't translate well in the dating world. While women appreciated his kindness, they often ended up with other guys who didn't treat them as well. Something wasn't clicking for him, and he realized that the traditional advice he received about attraction wasn't working.
He started reading books written for women and came across a powerful message: if a guy is interested, he will make an effort to talk to you. This revelation made him realize that he wasn't a loser or lacking confidence; he was just terrified of approaching women. He then shared this insight with women, telling them that even the guys they desired were also nervous about making the first move. He encouraged them to take the initiative and make dating a possibility.
The psychology behind this approach is based on the fact that men have two hardwired instincts: to provide and protect. However, these instincts need to be balanced with better judgment and clear thinking. Just like in a riptide, where the instinct is to swim back to shore against the current, it's essential to think clearly and swim parallel to the shore. Similarly, in dating and relationships, our instincts can often lead us astray.
The narrator emphasizes the importance of not investing in someone based solely on how much you like them. Many people make the mistake of investing based on instinct and personal feelings, rather than considering the mutual investment and connection. He compares a relationship to a plot of land that has the potential for greatness. However, to turn that plot of land into a castle, it requires two builders who show up every day, laying brick by brick, and slowly creating something together.
Unfortunately, many people end up in relationships where one person is committed to building while the other is only interested in the potential of the plot of land. They get excited about the view and the possibilities but fail to contribute to the actual construction. The narrator shares an example of a woman who was actively building the relationship while the man left the construction site for three weeks. He then called from home, asking about the progress. The castle cannot be built by one person alone, and both individuals need to show up and invest in the relationship for it to flourish.
He highlights that a truly special relationship is one where both partners work together, creating something unique and ornate. It's built on shared experiences, arguments that knock down walls and fortify them, and a deep connection that only the two of them understand. These relationships are rare and cherished because they have stood the test of time and weathered the storms together.
He reminisces about a memorable trip to Disney World as a child and how the small details, like themed trash cans, made a significant impact on him. He uses this analogy to emphasize that relationships are not just about the exciting moments or grand gestures but also about the everyday, mundane aspects. It's about the trash cans, the small, consistent efforts that define a relationship.
When relationships fail, people often cling to the highlights, the equivalent of the exciting rides in Disney World. However, it's the consistent effort and investment that truly define a relationship. The narrator shares a personal story of a breakup where he was labeled as boring. He realized that his ambition and drive, which initially attracted his partner, became one-dimensional and monotonous over time. He learned that one quality alone isn't enough to maintain someone's interest. It's the unique pairings, the different aspects and qualities combined, that create a lasting and addictive attraction.
The narrator also discusses the sense of entitlement that exists in modern relationships. Many people believe that finding the right person should be effortless and that if it requires effort, there must be something wrong with the other person. This entitlement leads to a constant search for something better, without realizing that maintaining passion and excitement requires work and effort.
He suggests that spending time apart can actually strengthen a relationship. Taking separate holidays and allowing for some space creates a sense of mystery and desire. It prevents partners from becoming too familiar and complacent, ensuring that there is always room for growth and excitement.
Lastly, the narrator emphasizes the importance of being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to have moments of neediness or difficulty. It's essential to show our partners that we are committed to personal growth and constantly working on becoming the best version of ourselves. Relationships require both love and desire. Love makes us want to get close to someone and know everything about them, while desire exists in the space between two people, creating a void and mystery that fuels attraction.
In conclusion, building a successful relationship requires investment, effort, and a willingness to build together. It's not just about attraction or potential; it's about showing up every day and laying brick by brick to create something unique and meaningful. By understanding the importance of balance, maintaining passion, and embracing vulnerability, we can create lasting and fulfilling connections.
